Patty DuPont’s Total Celebrity Meltdown: 7 January 2013

I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I can’t think of a better way to start 2013 than with a plethora of two-bit celebrity reality television shows. Who needs high quality drama or side-splitting comedy anyway?

First up this year is Celebrity Big Brother. Although you are more likely to recognise someone on Cash in the Attic (Lacey Banghard anybody?), this year’s line-up of illustrious housemates does throw up some important philosophical considerations. How will Claire Richards of Steps fame cope without KFC? Who wears more make-up: Rylan Clark or Paula Hamilton? Will Gillian Taylforth spill the beans on that infamous lay-by incident? As pretty much no-one seems to be watching, we may never know the answers to these unsolved mysteries, but if I were a betting woman (I’ve stayed clear of gambling since personally witnessing Gloria Hunniford‘s sad decline into scratch-card addiction), I would take a wild guess that the answer to the second question is Rylan.

Dancing on Ice fares slightly better on its fame quota, but it is celebrity diving show Splash that I am most excited about. This of course has nothing to do with the host being eighteen years of age, rather ripped and cavorting around in skimpy trunks. If you are reading this, Tom Daley, I would like to reassure you that I am not personally responsible for those obscene late-night Tweets sent from my personal Twitter account.

I was very disappointed to learn of the end of Gaydar Radio. I would often tune in to the station and get myself in the mood before a night out with Joan Collins; I love a Benny Benassi remix as much as the next person and I found the radio to be more fun than the evening ahead of me. There are only so many times one can tolerate the phrases ‘world’s biggest soap star’ and ‘eighties icon’ in the one evening. I can only hope that new licence holder Gaydio continues the sterling work of its predecessor and continue to make future soirées with Ms. Collins at least partially bearable.

Famous love child rumours of late include Britney Spears as the illegitimate offspring of Liza Minnelli (this story is offensive to a least one individual involved, although I am not sure which), and Charlie Sheen as the son of Hugh Hefner (the pair do look alike and Sheen has been seen with yet anther porn-star girlfriend, but I am not sure where that story came from). I am the love child of a former Pope and Princess Margaret, but I don’t like to brag about it.

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