Coming out is hard to do. Some find it easier than others, of course, but it’s fair to say it’s at least a bit terrifying for everyone. My parents were fantastic – I don’t know what I would’ve done if they hadn’t been – but some don’t accept it as readily. That’s where FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) comes in.
FFLAG are a non-funded charity that provides support and advice to parents with homosexual children. The group was founded in 1993 by several mums from across the country. They had all already operated helplines in their areas, and eventually merged together to form what is now FFLAG.
So So Gay were lucky enough to speak to Sue Allen, Chair of Trustees and founding member of the Bristol Group, about what they do, and why it’s so important.
‘I have a lesbian daughter, and when she came out FFLAG wasn’t around. I didn’t particularly feel I needed support, but we’ve realised since that lots of parents – even these days – have a hard time with it. You need to talk to somebody who’s gone through it, and hopefully come out the other end. If you have a heart problem you talk to a heart doctors, not to a builder. The best people to talk to are those people who have gone through it themselves.’
Thankfully they don’t get as many calls as they used to, but nowadays the most common contact they get is via email. It seems that parents aren’t as taken aback if their child comes out, but one question still crops up again and again: ‘How do they know?’ Sue tells me simply, ‘I always answer: “How did you know you were straight?” and they say they hadn’t thought of that.’ It is more often from parents of children who’ve come out at a particularly young age. The statistics are varied – a 2010 Stonewall poll found 18-24 year olds came out on average at 17, and a study by Dr. Guy Shilo in 2010 said 16 was the average age – but Allen told us that today the average age was around 13 or 14. This news alone is a positive reflection on changing attitudes, though there’s still a long way to go.
Her passion for the subject was obvious, but when schools were mentioned it became apparent just how much she cared. She explained previously that she’d worked in a primary school before retiring, and how a lot of schools deny the help FFLAG are willing to give.
‘Within schools there’s still a huge amount of homophobia. It’s endemic. There are organisation like Stonewall that do go into schools, and we’ve tried to do that but we’ve been unsuccessful. I think it’s because we’re parents; they see the relevance of it. We seem to be blocked.’ She tells of a chance she was given, through Bristol-based organisation EACH, to go into a few schools to discuss homosexuality. ‘We had a theatre group that acted out a scenario about bullying, and then we split up into groups. It was with year nine children, I think, and I went into one of the classes with Jonathan Charlesworth (Executive Director of EACH). We talked about the play they’d seen and took questions. He then came out as gay man, and I said I was a mother of a lesbian daughter. Obviously there was a bit of sniggering, but they got over that. It was a really fantastic hour that we were with those children, and they asked really sensible questions. At the beginning I think they thought it was just a bit of fun if you called someone gay, but at the end of it they realised that it’s not just a bit of fun and that it can do a lot of harm.’
She explains that universities often call and ask for them to attend talks, but she suggests schools may not chose to ignore the subject, they may genuinely be quite ignorant. ‘In schools there are still a lot of head [teachers] and Governors who think they don’t have gay children at their school, which is ridiculous. They don’t want to address it, and I think the fear is of upsetting the parents.’
However, one medium that does not avoid the subject is The Sun. More specifically Deidre Sanders, The Sun’s agony aunt. Allen explains how every letter Deidre receives regarding LGBT issues, along with the proposed response, is sent to her at FFLAG to check what’s been said is ok. ‘She is absolutely brilliant, and she is a huge supporter of FFLAG. Every time she received a letter from parents or a young gay person she always puts FFLAG’s details.’
Some mums we know who’ve gone through it are our very own. We spoke to some about their feelings on the subject.
So So Gay contributor Jake Basford’s mum, Pat, said she felt there was no difference between raising a gay child and a straight one. ‘They are all children and need to be treated as such irrespective of sexuality.’ She says she didn’t have many hints – other than a healthy interest in musicals – as Jake was growing up, but it wouldn’t made a difference to her. ‘I wouldn’t make any changes at all because it wasn’t in my power to do so. He had various friends that I’m sure had more influence on him than either my husband or myself. Just go with the flow. No confrontations and no anger. If your child wants to talk, fine but if they don’t just try and point them in the direction of help. The main thing to do is treat them the same as you would a non gay child.’
Vivien Harris is a mother of two, one of which is So So Gay contributor Jen Kilchenmann.
‘Both my girls are bicultural, bilingual. I always told them that what was “normal” in one place might be considered as “abnormal” in another. I stressed the importance of being themselves, with the right to question what people do …but to respect who they are, no matter how different they may seem. Blue eyes are OK, brown eyes are OK.’
Jen moved to England at 17 for her studies, and her mother sympathised as she’d done similar. One Christmas Jen returned home with a girlfriend. ‘I admit, for a couple of seconds, I was a bit taken aback… then in the next breath I cracked off laughing at the absurdity of my reaction. My daughter hadn’t changed in the least. She was still herself: generous, fair, funny, caring, responsible, honest and intelligent. Her sexuality changed none of that. Most of all she was happy. Nature made each of us the way we are. Who are we to question life?’
They may not always get the credit they deserve in the press, but we’d like to think that all the loving mum’s and dad’s with LGBT children know how much we love them.
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